i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
