when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
