Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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