I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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