there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
