found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
