I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
