He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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