I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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