I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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