There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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