and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
