New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
