...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
