I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
