I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
