I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
