TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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