Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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