Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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