you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
