I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
