They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
