Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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