Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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