watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
