I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
