this beer tastes like vomit already
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
