Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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