Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
