I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
