We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
