the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
