dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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