She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
