Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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