I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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