That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
