I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
