the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
