I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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