She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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