He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
