She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
