My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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