Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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