I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
