So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
