there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
