His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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